Awkward Pick up lines

I can never figure out why, but the oddest things happen to me. The best things I seem to attract are the worst pick up lines possible.

“Hey baby, let me see those legs–I can be your daddy long legs.”

“Aww chica, don’t be sad because your dad isn’t here–I’ll be your new papi.”

“Is that a mirror in your pants? I can see myself and you can’t say no to sitting on a face like this.”

“Hi! Are you Ben Dover? Will you?”

“My churro needs some of your sugar.”

“So what should our safe word be?”

“Are you an angel? I’d like to fuck you but I know it wouldn’t be real.”

“Hey cowgirl, you can ride my pony for free.”

“You’re absolutely gorgeous. You look just like my sister.”

“Are you a blowpop? I want to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of that booty.”

“Well hello officer booty. The only thing I’m guilty of is speeding.” (Think about it)

“If you buy me a drink, I’ll buy your love.” (Think about it)

“Have you ever been with an NFL player? Tonight is your unlucky night because I’m just a janitor.”

*rollerblading* “Hey baby, you can roll on my blade anytime.”

The list goes on.

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Dating is Awkward 

I don’t know about you guys, but for me dating is a not so pleasant life experience for me. I’ve had dates with douche muffins and dates with the sweetest guys ever. But there’s one I’ll never forget. 

If you’re shy and awkward like me, then online dating is a godsend. I stick to the usual Tinder (I’ve met some really great guys on there!). Now, we all do the wine and swipe night (or is that just me?) and we regret all of the matches we get the next day. I had one match that caught my eye; he was an exotic, dark skinned man with a smile whiter than snow. 😍

We hit it off through texting and snap chat. He wanted to meet and I thought, ‘why not?’ Well I wish I could go back and tell myself ‘why not.’ We met for coffee at 8:30am because that was the only time we were both available. Things were perfect, he had a British accent, we had lots of things in common, we laughed, BUT—-He was late and he wore sweatpants. I know it’s early in the morning, but throw on some jeans. 

After our coffee date he asked me if I wanted to go to the lake and walk around. (YES I told everyone where I was going) Instead of walking around we made out. Which I’m normally okay with, but it was 9am. Like buddy, calm yourself. Then–THEN he decides that it’s an appropriate time to whip his dick out. (HE SAID THAT’S WHY HE WORE SWEATPANTS) What was I supposed to do with that? He goes from 0 to 100 real fast and I’m still trying to wake up. What. The. Fuck. He said that I had given him the okay over text when I clearly said I won’t go any further than kissing. I yelled at him to take me to my car. After the silent ride back, he asked me out again. “I just think we really hit it off.” Yeah. Okay. 

I still can’t decide if that’s the first or second worst date I’ve been on. 

I love Mexicans. 

So the other day I was given a beautiful new nickname: Racist white trash. Why? I’ll tell you.
I was rollerblading on a trail and blasting some Spanish pop music. The next thing I knew some guy was yelling and running to catch up to me. He asked me what I was listening to and I showed him. (Danny Ocean’s “Me Rehúso” soooo gooood)
He looked at me very oddly and said, ” That’s not right. That’s just plain racist.”
I just looked at the guy. What the frick frack was he saying to me?
He just kept going. “That’s just not okay. You shouldn’t be listening to that, it’s white trash racist of you.”
I was dumbfounded; I just didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry I’m aware of other cultures and like Spanish music? He then proceeded to tell me that I needed to hop over the fence and go back to Mexico with my other Mexican friends.
Ya know what, I would love to. 1) You wouldn’t be there and (2) I love Mexicans so come at me bro.
I just explained to him that I wasn’t making fun of Spanish music or anything I actually really like it, and then I just slowly rolled away.
This man made no sense to me. What. So. Ever. I guess I’ll never understand people and their ways of thinking.

I’m Awkward

Are you wondering why I’m kissing a jar of pickles? Because I fucking love pickles. Am I pregnant? No but I have major baby fever right now.
When it comes to life, I’m an extremely awkward person. Not like the cute, graceful awkward girls you see in the movies, but the painful-to-watch, clumsy awkward. Like I’m a cow with clown feet or something. Have I mentioned yet that I love cows? I fucking love cows. And pickles. And country music. I could go on forever.
I’m also very random.
Anyhoodles, I hope there are others as weird and embarrassing as I am. Actually I kind of hope not–then I’d be one of a kind.  (Insert princess emoji)
I don’t know how to end this post; I’m just going to stop typing.
(Uncomfortable, right?)